Saving The Earth, Harming Our Children

May 29 - Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan

A grocery store in this small prairie city is the latest focal point of a growing backlash to something that was originally thought to be nothing but positive.

The Safeway store on Avenue North West implemented a 5 cent charge for all plastic bags in its store last month, a policy which many other stores nationwide have taken on in recent months. As a result, the store has seen a dramatic increase in the purchase of re-usable grocery bags, which have been available at the store since last year. The most popular of these bags is one which features the statement, "This Bag Is Green."

The only problem, and the reason for the current backlash, is that not only is the lettering white, but the bag is not green in colour, but instead black.

"We've been getting an increasing amount of complaints from customers, most of whom are coming into the store and asking to speak to a manager," said Joe Richmond, who has been operating the store since 2006. "And when I get into the office in the morning, it's not uncommon to find my voice mail completely full."

"The problem seems to be with small children," Richmond continues. "They are experiencing confusion in regards to identifying their colours."

When contacted by the Saskatchewan Ledger, one of the people who filed a complaint explained:

"We're currently teaching our 2 year old son, Thomas, his numbers and colours," said Robert Louis. He's doing well in almost all instances, except when we show him certain pictures, such as of frogs, or broccoli or trees. At first he would get this puzzled look on his face and remain silent when we tell him 'Green, Green, Thomas!' Now he's actually starting to get very agitated with us, as if we are lying to him."

Not surprisingly, then, the child offers up shouts of "Green! Green!" when shown images of such things as tires, domino pieces, or, most disturbing, his uncle who is of Jamaican descent. "It's very embarrassing when by brother Henry comes for a visit. It is causing a rift in the family."

Mr. and Mrs. Louis starting taking their son to various professionals, such as child psychologists, which resulted in very little progress. Finally, they came to a startling revelation. "One day as we were about to go to Safeway, we finally clued in...it's the bags."

Mr. and Mrs. Louis purchased about a dozen of the "environmentally-friendly" bags from Safeway late last year, hoping to show their children the importance of caring for the earth. They now say they will go back to the plastic bags, even if it means doling out a nickel for each one. "We just want what's best for our son. What happens when he grows up and finds himself utterly confused at a traffic light?"

In a separate incident in a small Massachusetts town last year, a St. Patricks Day parade looked more like a funeral procession, as the majority of the town's children showed up wearing black.

Iranian President "Addicted" to Facebook: Just Don't Poke Him

May 29 - Tehran

Iran's off-again, on-again relationship with Facebook is, well, on-again. Merely days after banning the popular social-networking site, the Iranian Labor News Agency reported on Wednesday that the site was once again available.

Facebook has been blocked and unblocked several times in the past and for various reasons. Officials have feared among other things that it could be used by activists in organizing protests against the government. The most recent ban was largely viewed as a deterrent to Reformist challenger Mir Hossein Mousari, who was using the site to spread his message ahead of upcoming elections.

Meanwhile, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied any involvement in the decision to block Facebook. In fact,the controversial leader recently revealed in an interview with the Tehran World Journal that he is more than a little caught up in the Facebook craze.

"I don't know why people would think that I was behind the ban," said Ahmadinejad. "Ask my closest friends and colleagues and they will tell you. I love Facebook, I'm on it all the time."

The President's spokesman, Ali Akbar Javanfekr, confirmed the statement. "Mahmoud is a very web-savvy leader, which is admirable. However, in my opinion his Facebook use borders on addiction. I probably get 5 or 6 invitations or wall posts a week from him."

Economic Minister Shamseddin Hossein adds, "It's not uncommon for Mahmoud to be late for meetings, and no one around the table is in the dark as to why. We'll get out of the meeting, turn on our laptops, and we each have several notifications, all from him."

Pressed to provide further detail, another source close to Ahmadinejad and someone who was one of his first "Facebook friends," showed the World Journal some of the leaders most recent Facebook activities. "Look at all of these quizzes. There's '25 Things About Me,' 'Which 70's Hairstyle Are You?', 'Who Were You In A Past Life?' He loves everything to do with Facebook, just don't poke him, I made that mistake once."

The source, who requested anonymity, continues, "The President should be doing the work of a President. Instead he is using most of his time this way."

Ahmadinejad would not confirm that he had taken these particular quizzes, but boasted of two others that he is currently developing himself. "Look at this, this is what I am working on right now," he almost gleefully tells the newspaper. "There's 'Which Of Jon And Kate's 8 Children Do You Most Admire?' and 'Which Is Your Least Favourite Jew?'"

A glimpse of his Facebook home page shows a flood of movie clips, surprisingly all American. They include "Lethal Weapon," "What Women Want," "Payback," and "Braveheart."

"That Mel Gibson, I can't get enough."

Canada's Prime Minister In The Closet

Doubt turns into full-blown fear over PM’s preferences

Ottawa, ON – With the dust settling after the 40th general election in Canadian history, the big question dominating news circles has been whether or not Liberal leader Stephane Dion would step down after leading his party to a dismal showing on the night of October 14th. Dion's Liberals dropped from 95 seats at the dissolution of the last parliament to just 76. Now that he has made his intentions clear, that is to step down as leader next May after a leadership contest, the focus of most political pundits will be on the race to succeed him.

But while the editorial pages are pondering the chances of Bob Rae, Michael Ignatieff and others, another political storm has been gathering strength within the governing Conservative party and is about to hit the Canadian public. The growing controversy surrounds none other than the Prime Minister, and there is a question being asked around a growing number of Tory kitchen tables:

Could Stephen Harper be gay?

Long-standing concerns among party members seemed to be confirmed after Harper became Prime Minister in 2006 and was hesitant in re-opening the debate on same-sex marriage, which became legal in Canada in July of 2005. Many socially conservative members of the party were upset with their leader's perceived inaction, and at that time began wondering if Harper’s refusal to re-open the debate was because he agreed with same-sex marriages, or perhaps even more, because he was himself gay. Harper avoided the marriage subject almost entirely during the election campaign.

“We Conservatives across the country had been looking for a champion on this issue, and instead he’s barely said a word,” Calgary resident Jim Thompson said. “If he’s elected, I’m sure that will change.”

Many supporters were stunned on election night 2006 when Harper declared, “I have been given a mandate.”

Many at the time considered this to be a thinly-veiled code used to express, however subtly, that Harper was participating in a gay lifestyle and was in the process of coming out of the closet.

“The only person I’ve ever been on a date with is my beautiful wife, Helen. I’m concerned with Harper carrying the Conservative banner, let alone being the Prime Minister,” said Bob Williams of Tillsonburg, Ontario.

While Harper has been seen by many during his 2 years of being Prime Minister as a solid leader, much energy has been spent behind the scenes to keep the secret. A source inside the Prime Minister’s office has confirmed that Harper has been coached on how to respond to certain questions from the media.

“Often reporters will, trying to lighten things up, ask politicians questions such as ‘What are your hobbies, etc.’ A Toronto Star reporter inquired as to the Prime Minister’s favourite singer or band, and much to his dismay, we had him reply ‘The Beatles.’ Everyone in the office knows the true answer is Cher. If I hear ‘Do You Believe In Life After Love’ coming from Stephen’s office one more time, I’ll literally be ill,” said a source who requested anonymity.

As it became increasingly likely that Harper would call an election for the fall of 2008, staffers confided that it was becoming more difficult to keep the truth from becoming generally known beyond Ottawa. The task became nearly impossible once the election was indeed called, and during the campaign, whispers turned into wide-spread speculation around Ottawa that Canada already had seen its first gay Prime Minister.Virtual panic was evident on the faces of Tory senior aides when, at a campaign stop in Winnipeg, a reporter asked Harper if he were a vegetable, which vegetable would he be and why. Close friends say that this was a real moment of freedom for the Prime Minister. After pausing for a moment, Harper gave his reply:

"I would choose, if I had to, instead to be a fruit. Just what I am, sweet and colourful."

"They're probably putting rainbow curtains up at 24 Sussex as we speak," party member Gail Stevens of Fredericton said in dismay.

It also became apparent that Harper was not completely happy with his off again, on again secret relationship. Weeks before election night in October, Harper admitted that he was seeking a "stronger mandate."

As rumours persisted, a reporter even asked his chief rival, Stephane Dion, about the matter:

"This news...would not be...surprising. Impossible for me...to get straight answer...from this man."

In the end, the issue remained hidden from most Conservatives, and Harper won another minority on election night. A relieved looking Prime Minister, sporting an orange tie, which insiders say suggest an affinity with the gay-friendly New Democratic Party, had retained his position.

As far as the next election is concerned, Harper will undoubtedly face a new Liberal leader. Among the possible contenders for the position is Scott Brison, an openly-gay Nova Scotia MP, who could call Harper to task on the issue.

Powell Endorses Obama

After an extensive examination of the issues facing America, former U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for President.

After an extensive examination by a physician, Senator John McCain was given a clean bill of health in regards to his colon.

Hurricane Season Could Produce 4-6 Major Storms

FEMA Prepares Early For Slow Response

Washington, D.C. - May 23

Americans should brace themselves for another busy hurricane season. In its annual news conference to announce predictions for the upcoming summer, the U.S. National Hurricane Centre said that there will most likely be 13 to 16 named storms, up to 10 of which could turn into hurricanes. Of those 10, 4 to 6 are expected to be classified as "major," at least Category 3 storms or higher.

In the past, such predictions were met with much disinterest, but since the catastrophic Hurricane Katrina hit the U.S. Gulf Coast last summer, the American public is expected to listen with much more interest.

"One hurricane hitting where you live is enough to make it a bad season," said Max Mayfield, the centre's director. James Hollands, a resident of Biloxi, Mississippi agrees. "When Katrina came through, it knocked my house right on its side. I sure don't want to see another one come through." Still others lost more than their homes. "I watched my nephew fall from his roof next door, and we still haven't found his body," Kurt Davis, a life-long resident of New Orleans said.

But while the American public is apprehensive about the upcoming season and the potential for disaster, the U.S. government is taking a different approach.

"We don't want to alarm the general public," said Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) director David Paulison in a telephone interview late Monday. "This is why our agency will begin preparing now for a slow response, rather than waiting until any storms hit."

The U.S. government, particularly President George W. Bush was heavily criticized for what many saw as a late response in the wake of Katrina, which killed at least 1, 800 people and left tens of thousands homeless.

"We did a lot of soul searching after last summer and all of us at the agency came to the conclusion that the problem didn't lie in how or when we responded, but the fact that the public wasn't aware of that response," said Paulison. "That's why we are having these interviews today rather than waiting. If Americans are made aware today of our plans for a passive response, they can begin to make preparations for dealing with disasters on a more personal level.

Republican Congressman Charles Boustany of Louisiana agrees. "I commend FEMA for being so accessible. Americans naturally have a strong spirit and a 'can-do' attitude, and this announcement empowers them to put those attributes into action. I've already spoken to many of my constituents who have told me they've already ordered body bags and flares. They wouldn't have been able to do that if FEMA hadn't announced their plans for a sluggish response, now."

The hurricane season officially begins June 1, and runs until November 30.

Caledonia Protest Expected To End Within Days

Natives, Townsfolk Forget Reason For Fighting

Caledonia, ON - May 23

A month-long conflict between first nations people and residents of this southern Ontario town is rapidly nearing an end after a growing number of participants have forgotten what they are fighting about.

According to archived news reports, on April 20, natives erected a blockade along Highway 6 near the town, apparently to protest against a housing development planned for a 40-hectare tract of land, which they said was their rightful property. However, when reporters contacted members of the group that erected the blockade, they were unaware of the reason behind the protest.

"It's all a little foggy to me," said Michael Borden, a member of the Six Nations band. "I remember helping put the blockade in place, but for the life of me, I don't know why we did it." Donovan Keith, Borden's uncle, was similarly perplexed. "I've spent a lot of time thinking about it the last week or so. My first guess was that we were fighting over lobster, but then I realized we don't have lobsters around here. Then I thought it might be about an ancient burial ground, but that's not it either. I'm at a loss."

Television coverage from April 24 shows that a rally of about 3, 000 members of the non-native community took place at the fairgrounds in Caledonia, and that 500 people marched down Highway 6 shouting racial slurs and chanting "Open The Road." But similarly, members of the media have been hard-pressed to find people who know what the conflict is all about. "My best guess is that the road was under construction but it was taking longer than expected to complete," said Bill Watts a local businessman. "But that doesn't explain the blockades. "I think it has something to do with the Métis," remarked Robert Woods. (Upon further research, there is no Métis presence in the area.)

Amidst all the confusion, provincial negotiator and former premier David Peterson is encouraged by the developments. "This whole thing should be over in 6 or 7 days, unless anyone can remember what this is all about."

Pennies No Longer From Heaven

"God To Get The Credit He Deserves": Archbishop

Montreal, PQ - May 22

In a move that some parishioners are calling "preposterous," and "discriminatory towards the poor," the Roman Catholic Church is set to announce that traditional currency will no longer be accepted for its Sunday morning offerings in any of its churches worldwide.

In a memorandum leaked to various Montreal news outlets Monday, Pope Benedict XVI writes to each of the Church's 193 Cardinals:

"After much contemplation since my inception as the Holy Father, I have come to the conclusion that common currency no longer has a place in our Church. My brethren, I want to be a leader who leads his flock into the future and recognizes the changes that our world is experiencing. Therefore I believe it is time for each diocese to begin accepting only credit and direct payment cards during the collection of offerings within Sunday services."

Quebec City Cardinal Marc Oullette, reached on vacation in Puerto Rico, was surprised at the memo since he was not in contact with his office over the weekend. "While the move surprises me, I applaud the Holy Father for recognizing that the world is moving more and more to plastic. Most people pay for our groceries, gasoline, clothing, all by credit or debit cards." However, anti-poverty advocates are crying foul, saying that the move, to be implemented by the year 2009, marginalizes less fortunate Catholics. "There are countless members of the Church who do not have the means to acquire a credit card and many areas of the world that do not have debit card systems in place. What are they supposed to do?" said William Doherty, president of the National Anti-Poverty Organization. "These people want to contribute to the mission of the Church, but can often only find coins or bills to give."

Archbishop Michael Hannon of Halifax, in a telephone interview late Monday morning, remarked that "The Vatican must be convinced that the loss of a few coins or small bills won't make a tremendous impact on the coffers. Giving a nickel here or a dime there will be replaced by giving ten dollars here, twenty dollars there. All it takes is the swipe of a card. I guess you could say that God is going to get the credit he deserves."

While the decision has left many people surprised, they really shouldn't be. After all, this isn't the first time the Roman Catholic Church has shunned change.

NHL Continues Crack-Down On Players

San Jose Shark Latest To Be Reprimanded

February 2, 2006

Marcel Goc thought that it was "no big deal." But when the 22-year-old rookie for the San Jose Sharks was called into General Manager Doug Wilson's office Thursday morning, he quickly learned otherwise.

Goc (2004 file photo), a native of Calv, Germany, has been sporting what can only be described as a "Hitler-esque" moustache since the beginning of the 2005-2006 regular season, but was called into Wilsons office only after a letter to the editor was published in the San Jose Mercury News on Wednesday, complaining that Goc was overtly promoting Nazi values.

"I really don't see the problem with the 'stache,' said Goc when reached at his Los Angeles home. "I think people should just lighten up. In no way do I condone the values of Adolf Hitler nor those of his Nazi regime. I just really like the look that he had and I thought it was time to bring it back in style."

Wilson released a statement through the Sharks' website late Thursday stating that: "The San Jose Sharks organization does not tolerate any activity or appearance by any of its players that seems to condone anti-Semetic activity."

According to fellow Sharks player Scott Hannan, Goc has agreed to shave the moustache. "I almost didn't recognize Marcel - or 'The Fuhrer' as we call him - at practise this morning. His moustache was gone."

This latest incident comes only two days after Ottawa goalie Ray Emery was called into Senators General Manager John Muckler's office because of his mask. Emery, a backup goalie on the team, was confronted about his use of a mask displaying boxer Mike Tyson's image. Muckler thought it best that Emery not use the mask during Senators games in light of the fact that Tyson is a convicted criminal.

Goc registered over eight minutes of ice-time during the Sharks 3-2 shoot-out loss to the Minnesota Wild in San Jose on Thursday night.

Martin Turns To The Left

Appeals to "Squirrel Candidates"

Saskatoon, SK - January 18

Prime Minister Paul Martin and the Liberal Party shifted their focus from attacking Conservative Leader Stephen Harper on Tuesday, even if only for a few hours. With recent polls suggesting that "soft NDP voters" are not flocking to the Liberals to ward off a Conservative government, at least in the numbers in which they did in 2004, Martin has turned to his left.

At a news conference Tuesday morning at the Wanuskewin Heritage Park, Martin accused NDP leader Jack Layton of focusing solely on the Liberal party and virtually ignoring the Conservative Party in the current campaign. In doing so, Martin claimed that Layton would rather risk a Conservative victory "than be faithful to his own party's principles." Political pundits across the country were left wondering at Martin's comments, with many suggesting that Martin's campaign is going so badly that the Liberals have turned to merely critiquing other parties campaigns.

However, the NDP was not the sole target of Martin on Tuesday. In an afternoon appearance outside the Radisson Hotel in Calgary, the Liberal leader spoke to an enthusiastic crowd of approximately 15 people, and suggested that supporters of the Green Party turn Liberal red. "Although we got off to a slow start on the implementation of Kyoto, we are committed to pushing the plan forward when we are back in government." In an apparent gaffe to those assembled, Martin continued that "To this end, we need supporters of the Green Party, specifically Joan Russow in our camp." Ms. Russow was the former leader of the federal Green Party until 2001. Jim Harris is the current leader. "Today as Prime Minister, I pledge that myself as well as Stephane Dion, the Minister of the Environment, will sit down with the Green Party and discuss ways to make our country more eco-friendly."

Attempting to crack a joke as his party slips towards opposition status, Martin rather condescendingly quipped, "I understand that there are numerous Green squirrel candidates across the country. I like squirrels. I pledge to the Green Party that I will set up the first National Squirrel Sanctuary to protect as many of the furry creatures as possible." Noteably, not one of the 15 people in attendance laughed, though one person, a Liberal organizer seemed to smile. Contacted by reporters after the news conference, the man claimed to have been experiencing gas in his abdomen at the time.

Meanwhile, Green Party Leader Jim Harris spoke to reporters from Moncton, New Brunswick late Tuesday and said, "I'm glad to hear that Paul Martin and I share an affinity for squirrels, but only one of us is a nut. Vote Green on January 23rd."